Posted July 29th 2007

Those of you who think those amusing Grunt lines are just for the stubby little critters are sorely mistaken. There's a whole world of opportunity for using them in real life, bringing a much needed injection of gruntiness into the day-to-day grind. After heroically pioneering the development of such uses, I'm here to give you a few suggestions on how to unleash your inner Grunt, in a guide which I can say in all modesty will probably change the face of modern civilization as we know it.

Of course, you should always deliver your Grunt-speak in a ridiculous little high-pitched voice, otherwise you'd be missing the point entirely. If you can also see your way clear to routinely going about your business while sporting some type of fin-shaped backpack, so much the better. Not only will this tend to put you more fully into the grunty spirit, but it will also attract the curious attention of passers-by, giving you the opportunity to spread the word and make many new friends!

And so, fellow Gruntsters, let us begin.

1. Tropical spider in the bananas

When you suddenly spot that a tropical spider of alarming proportions has emerged from your bunch of bananas and is crawling rapidly up your jumper, run around in circles with arms waving, shouting "Get it off!" and "Not again!", interspersed with your Grunt-style screaming of choice. This is not always effective, but I maintain that it is bound to make the offending arachnid a bit dizzy and thereby impede his progress up the sleeve towards your face (they always go for the face I find) or possibly even make him jump off in a bid for a more stable environment.

2. Going out for a walk

As you get ready to leave the house for a brisk Sunday walk with your conversational partner of choice, squeak "Are you with me?". Entering into the spirit of things on pain of otherwise being left behind, your partner should then respond with a companionable "I'm with you!" before you toddle off briskly together.

3. Toasting technique

After popping a few slices of bread into the toaster and firing it up to give them a jolly good toasting, confirm your intent with a vicious cry of "Burn!". In fact, it is my theory that if you stare at the toast-to-be with sufficient intent whilst issuing this cry, you can accelerate the process by sheer force of will alone. The bread should practically toast itself, under the withering gaze of your grunty spite. I hope to confirm this in a controlled scientific experiment later in the year, although representatives from the science department of the local university have so far declined to participate.

4. Missing oven gloves

When you pick up a piping hot dish that has barely had time to cool down after emerging from the oven, and you've forgotten to put on the oven gloves, or have opted to forego their protective services in a gravely misjudged act of male bravado, release the dish with alacrity and flap your hands about to cool them down whilst shouting "Oooh, hot-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot!". Responsibility for the mess all over the kitchen floor can subsequently be denied with an innocent "It wasn't me", a handy little disclaimer that I find an excellent go-to for all such unfortunate situations.

5. Jelly bean fumble

When you fumble a slippery jelly bean down a drain in the gutter - and they can be jolly slippery those guys - express your disappointment with a forlorn cry of "Lost one!" as the unlucky little podule of sugary delight disappears forever into the blackness.

6. Hornet trouble

After foolishly disturbing a nest of hornets and receiving a nasty sting in the backside for your troubles, retreat rapidly with arms waving, shouting "Aiieee!". On being nailed by a second buzzing devil who gets you in the small of the back this time, briefly pause to grab your back spasm-like with one hand and shout "Ahhhh!" for theatrical effect and because it also hurt like blazes, before resuming the aforementioned rapid tactical withdrawal.

7. At the cinema kiosk

After having paid for your cinema ticket at the kiosk, give the teller an earnest look as if gathering up your courage, then declare "I'm goin' in!" before heading off into the gloom of the theatre.

8. Trapped in a lift

When trapped in a lift with a selection of fellow office workers or members of the public, take on a panicked appearance and cry "We're gonna die!", preferably while hopping about a bit in agitated fashion. This should help take their minds off things until rescue is at hand, and in all likelihood you will receive a commendation later for your thoughtful handling of what for many people can be a very stressful situation.

9. Mugged in a dark alley

When rudely accosted by a knife wielding mugger in a dark alley, which is something you probably get quite a lot of nowadays, call his bluff and hop around sideways with an imaginary needler and threatening posture, simultaneously issuing a selection of provocative phrases such as "Hurt you!", "Shoot you!" and "Hate you!". I have yet to test this out in real life as I mostly stay inside a sealed room lined with aluminium foil to keep the alien voices out, but it is my theory that when faced with such unexpected retaliation, the assailant will become sufficiently alarmed to initiate a running-away style action - ideally with a cry of "Run away!" if he has picked up on your grunty vibe and entered into the spirit of things. You can then round off your moral victory with a mocking cry of "Not so tough are ya, heh!".

10. In the clothing department

When in a clothing department in pursuit of some stylish new outfitting, strip down to your underwear in the aisle, give the slightly concerned lady assistant a furtive look, then stand with arms out to the sides and invite her to get you kitted out pronto by uttering "Cover me!" in a courageous but pathetic voice. I've been thrown out of surprisingly few stores this way.

11. Thriller at the cinema

When watching a gripping thriller at the cinema and it gets to the tense bit where the leading lady has been pursued into a disused warehouse by a psychotic madman, which is very often the case, and then a facial shot reveals the attacker sneaking up on her in the background, enter into the spirit of things with a warning cry of "Right behind you!".

12. Dinner party presentation

When throwing a stylish dinner party after having spent most of the day preparing your exotic speciality dish of squid parmesan with crispy coconut truffles, plonk it down on the table with a proud and confident "Swallow this!" and be sure to soak up the appreciative gaze of the gathered company as the tentacles flop over the edges of the plate - those of whom remain seated at least. That squid isn't easy to come by either. Mmmm… fresh and bendy…

13. Tricky landing

When you've just landed your jet fighter on an aircraft carrier in suitably terrifying blizzard-like conditions, resulting in a near-death experience and an accompanying regrettable little accident in your jumpsuit, promptly relay your latest operational status to the control tower with a barely audible confession of "I just wet myself." I have yet to use this one myself on account of not actually being a jet fighter pilot, but I rest easy in the knowledge that it is ready for immediate use should I be called up into the armed services at short notice, any time in the near future. A little preparation is no bad thing I feel.

14. At a job interview

When at a job interview and waiting nervously for your interviewer to show up, highlight their eventual arrival with an intent cry of "Human!". By issuing this unorthodox greeting and simultaneously hopping from side to side a bit with narrowed eyes and fixed stare, it is my theory that you will make an immediate impression and be off to an excellent start by having demonstrated your ability to 'think outside the box'. True, I'm still looking for a job and it hasn't worked in my last twenty-three interviews, but I now believe this is down to my not using enough Grunt-speak in the remainder of the said interviews. I have shot my best arrow too early on, as it were. So I am now developing additional arrows which I can fire off throughout, to help reinforce my opening gambit and demonstrate my willingness to follow something through to the bitter end. I kid you not, interview twenty-four should be a real corker.

15. Trapped in a shopping mall

When being pursued by a mad axe-wielding maniac in a dimly lit shopping mall locked up after closing time (a regular occurrence for most American teenagers I believe, based on all the TV movies I've seen), and the maniac is closing in, take on a panicked appearance and gabble "He's coming, he's coming!". On catching closer sight of said maniac, which probably won't be for a while because they usually move quite slowly to build up the tension, optionally follow up with "Flee!".

16. Latecomers at the cinema

When watching a good film at the cinema and then some foolish latecomers start filing along in the darkness just ahead of you, hurry them up with a firm cry of "Down in front!". Optionally lob a hastily improvised sticky ball of toffee and popcorn in their general direction at the same time, to bring added emphasis to your point.

17. Wild warthog in the department store

When being chased by a wild warthog in your local department store, which is something I personally get quite a lot of, adopt an aura of blind panic and run through the aisles with arms waving, shouting "Get out of my way!". Quite an easy one to remember, I think you'll find.

18. Moose attack in the high street

When a passer-by has taken a bit of a bashing in a moose attack on the high street, draw attention to their unfortunate predicament with a measured cry of "Casualty!" - ideally while clinging safely to the top of a lamppost or other high-reaching roadside fixture, as those moose bites can be pretty nasty.

19. Trifle incident with the in-laws

After tripping over the cat as you enter the dining room, causing you to empty an entire bowl of trifle over one of your in-laws, make the most of this intrinsically entertaining situation by following up with a playful cry of "In da face!". They are sure to see the funny side of things. Everyone will have a jolly good laugh and your reputation as the life and soul of the party will be copiously enhanced.

20. Unexpected gerbil influx

When you arrive home from vacation only to find that the entire place has been overrun by a migrating pack of Albanian gerbils who have apparently singled out your modest abode as if it had a big gerbil-shaped 'Welcome' sign stuck on the front in neon lights, initiate your response with an appropriately surprised cry of "What the…?" as you survey the full extent of the disaster. As you proceed to deal with the uninvited infestation, a variety of additional cries are available as you spot each new offending vermin, ideally for alerting some other member of the family to come and deal with the toothy little devil. Choose from cries such as "Another! Here!", "I see one!", and my own personal favourite, "Ooh! There!".

21. Domestic exchange

After a pretty nasty argument in which your wife or girlfriend has compared you unfavourably with some variety of messy barnyard animal, and in which you countered by bringing a discussion of wild hyenas into the picture, causing her to get so mad that she accidentally spills coffee all over her best dress, cement your moral victory with a spiteful "Good!". However, in all fairness I should warn you that a quick departure thereafter is generally advisable.

That's all for now folks, but as soon as more uses are developed, I'll be sure to add them to the page so that you can further enhance your daily life by unleashing your inner Grunt. My own personal gift, free of charge here at Bad Cyborg.

(…and if any of that tickled you, you may also enjoy Halo in a nutshell)

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